Yeah, well....I realize many of ya's are still seeking the ultimate rush of the perfect online shopping experience. Nevertheless, a recent exchange that crossed the orderdesk here at ThirdStoned world HQ recently still has us reeling. In any case, I figure my last "Editorial"(see the Beeepscreech Archives below...) yanked a few too many chains and has Bruce more'n a little honked 'cause he's still tryin' t'calm things down and answer alla the email. I promised him this time that I'd tone it down a bit and cover something less, how shall I put it..."incendiary".

So, okay Kidz. Yas, yas, Yas, I full well realize that this is a total waste
of your time, yet these puzzling exchanges of intellectual buffoonery
continue to both permeate, delineate AND fascinate. While I admit to
having no earthly reason for bringing this to you, I've done so anyway.
So there. Inasmuch, comment if you must, but remember that any
commentary may induce even further travesty. Anyway, to wit:

Subject: Re: (no subject)and a reply to the reply thereof in which
replying can be both unsatisfying and stupidly dangerous or not
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 12:54:19 -0400
To: Admiral Pluto Krozabeeep <BeeePDOG@thirdstoned.com>
Organization: ThirdStone Gallery & Art Works
From: "MacarenaMolly"
====================================
> Dear Mr. Krezbularian Presbyterian:
>
> Thank you for you prompt response, the item we wish to put in our
> basket is item number "marb". It's just wonderful being able to shop on the internet, I must look for new pumps.
> sincerely
> Einstein (Keith's in the crapper)
===================================
Cherished Truculent, Mr. Einstein:

Your item # "marb" is in shipment after a lengthy back-order debacle. As for the new pumps, you are, I fear, on your own on that one.
Footwear/pneumatic/hydraulic contrivances ae clearly outside of the
realm of our domain here at ThirdStoned Industries and such impudent
inquiries shall heretofore no longer be tolerated in any way, shape, or
form. Further outbursts such as this will be dealt with severely and
swiftly. Mr. C's abdication to you of the keyboard in his absence
(whilst eliminating or whatever it is he may actualy be doing in
there...) clearly does not serve as adequate alibi for such outlandish
demands on our feeble infrastructure's already overly taxed systems.

Inasmuch as I trust you are well aware of our stringent (albeit,
ludicrous) policies concerning such matters, let it suffice to say that
myself, as well as the Bored of Connectors, whilst deeply appreciative
of your support and patronage heretofore, must still express our abject
caveat to let the buyer beware and the rest of y'all best just get while
the gettin' is good ifya get what we're getting at. Get it?

While we do find ourselves mildly amused by your apparent foolish
cretin-delight in E-Commerce, we also feel it prescient (and yet prudent
somehow as well) to impart to you the following cautionary disclaimer of faith: "Hoozagonnabeezagonna do it iff'n you don't? Remember the Alamo and your overdue library books. Orange juice is not just for breakfast anymore. In fact, many progressive-minded folks use it to fill their old bongs to "freshen" the pulmonary impact of the crack they now smoke. Stand by your man. Stan the Man can scan the plan, man, from all the way in Yucatan, man, Toucan Sam" (nor do I like green eggs and ham...)

In any (and perhaps all) case(s), I trust that should suffice for now.
And, sadly, if not, then please seriously consider obtaining professional
thereapeutic assistance for your deeplytroubled and hopelessly twisted soul. Left to your own inadequate devices, I have considerable trepidation of the possibility of any viable productive outcome. May Dog speed.

Sincerely and with deepest regrets,
Confoundingly and confusedly urine,

Admiral Pluto Krozabeeep,

Prime Minister of Eternal Combustion and Interim Director of the
Ecclesiastical Absurdities Foundation