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THIS JUST
IN - KROZABEEEP'S PISSED OFF ANOTHER ACOLYTE IT SEEMS. JT OF
JONESBORO WRITES:
Beeep-bastard.....
Lissen...I've
had enough. quit callin' up in the middle of the fuckin' night.
quit sendin' me alla those goddamn postcards. and, please, for
god's sakes, no more of those horrible emails. I mean what the
hell more can you possibly want from me, you asshole? I quit
goin' to church like ya said. and, at your urging, I started
dringin' again, and i watched all of those friggin' tv shows
you insisted i see. what are you anyway, a guru or some kinda
demonmonsterpigboy??? I'm gonna tellya this one more time so
please listen up real good; if you don't leave me alone from
here on out, there' s gonna be heck to pay. ya hear me? You and
your clownyboys can just go fuck yourselves (twice!) if you think
I'll tolerate anymore of your inane terrorist tactics. I just
wanna go home.
and thanks
for the new shower cap and the asparagus bouquet but don't send
anymore.
jt
DRUGZZZ ON THE OL' TEEVEE...
Dear Senator
Kroozabeep:
Remember that
"War on Drugs" thing they did a few years back? Did
anybody ever win?...'cause I've noticed that on T.V. there are
all these ads for drugs. I mean DRUGS...as in the prescription
kind. Every other ad is showing some poor, decrepit soul who
looks to be on their last legs.
Then a big
rainbow comes rising out of the mists of pain and little pills
with strange names dance across the screen. Every malady has
a pill. Even FAT. I love that one. Fatblockers--so you can pork
out and your body won't absorb anything. Didn't we use to call
this bulimia? The best part of these ads is when you get to the
end and they start giving you a list of the side effects. Mondo
grosso. "If you experience dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
discharge, an urgent need to defacate and the inability to control
it, bloating and gas pains, sudden severe leg cramps, convulsions
or death, call your doctor"
Right. I'll
pass, thanks. Just give me a nice carrot juice and a veggie burger.
Yours, Lizart
KROZABEEEP
RESPONDIFICATES:
Yeah...yer right.... from my standpoint, it makes me wanna puke.
'course, then, I'm sure, there's another drug for that with even
worse possible side-effects.... Guess that's one of the
reasons I don't turn on my freakin' Teevee in the first place
anymore.
Peekay
A MR. ELMER
GANDHI, ZEN-FARMER WRITES:
Hello Mr.
Krozabeep,
We met last fall at the National Fennel Seed Growers Convention
in New Orleans. I've been trying to keep up with your posts on
that art site when I'm not harrowing or planting.
Anyway, you told me to write anytime I have something to say,
so I thought I'd convey these sentiments from my little piece
of that heartland.
We all know that the country's going to "that place"
in a you-know-what, but maybe we can't finger exactly why. Besides
the shenanigans in the White House and those rushing to point
a moral finger before someone fingers them (sorry, I cut my finger
today and
I'm a little obsessed), I thought I'd send up a little flag.
Now my wife Selma collects everything, including news clippings
and the like, and she was quite alarmed by Dan Quail's pre-presidential
bid. Not because we don't like Mr. Quail--she thinks he's a real
cutie-pie--but because we really don't want a guy that dumb to
come back. Anyway here are some quotes she's flung together that
might remind people why they dismissed him in the first place:
"If
we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth
Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between
a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I hope you read this Mr. Krozabeep. I really liked the story
about the boy, his anger, and the nails. It really hit home.
Hope to see you at the next seed grower's convention.
Elmer Gandhi--the Zen farmer
Hey there,
Elmer,
Yep, I read
'em. I've abbreviated the pile of Quayle-quotes ya sent as we've
found so bloody many examples of Quayle's stupidity, we've given
the boy his very own page in our "QUOTEFILE" Department.
Since you're obviously a wise man on the subject, perhaps we
oughtta give you your own column on this site to sorta 'balance'
Dan's duncity...
Thanks for
your thoughts. Don't know about the seed convention yet; I'm
a mighty busy boy lately...
K'Beeep
Ms. Warrior Diva writes:
FIVE
SENSES
SIGHT, SOUND, TOUCH, SMELL, TASTE
TOOLS TO APPREHEND REALITY
TRANSLATING
EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS
INTO BEING.
REALITY IS NOT LIMITED
BY WHAT'S IN THE TOOL BOX
SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ADD TO YOUR TOOLS?
WARRIOR
DIVA
JUST STRAP ONE ON
Ahhh, Kids..we hear from the illustrious Mr. Sancheze. Seems
the Warrior Diva has pushed his buttons a bit...
So, Krozabeeep,
After a thorough
study of the "Five Senses" (directly above) , I must comment on how unappropriate
this piece is to the Guest-Ed page of this web site. To include
such deep thoughts among those of other maniac depressives just
makes me hurl. I feel the editor of this page has a moral obligation
to society to screen, filter and otherwise shield these sort
of panty-waist, yuppie type, I'm not at the bar if my wife calls,
almost sonnets, from the rest of us depraved, pathetic individuals
that try so hard to remain this way. We need no help trying to
undue that which has already been done to ourselves.
We like us this way. And furthermore, no amount of cutecy, pretty,
fluffy prose will change that. So quit with the upgrade attempts.
They will get you nowhere for we are stronger, more powerful
and smell worse than you can imagine. To quote my friends in
Salt Lake, "tie a bow on a turd and it will still smell
like a turd".
Now smoke that!
Close personal
regards,
Jose Juan Lopez Sancheze
PS. I don't
spend too much time alone. Really.
Hmmmm. seems as if Mr. Jose's response
to Warrior Diva's "Five Senses" tome (above) has drawn
a bit of return fire. Good! that's what this page is for - lively
debate (or even petulant warfare, we don't care which...)! Ms.
Diva respondificates:
Mr. Jose
sounds like he looks great with a bow. It would appear that the
bow secures his hands behind his back. (Hmm, I could work that)
His response reminds me of my cat interacting with the new puppy.
Puppy is in cat's personal space. Cat growls, spits, hisses,
hair on end, and smacks Puppy upside the nose with declawed paw.
Puppy cocks his head to the side, and wags his tail... Highly
effectual.
It is obvious that Mr. Jose just read my piece (not licked,
sniffed, or touched it) and he escaped with his pathetic, depraved
instincts intact. So why the fuss?
Again, I pose the question; If you could create a new sense to
further apprehend reality, what would it be?
No need for Mr. Jose to address the issue, as it may ruffle his
sensibilities.
Warrior Diva
Smokin---
AND THIS
FROM A MR. ELMO QUESTOPOPO...
in the whirl
you are whereverthe little scrolly-dollys who look like fat peanuts
and dress up like lemons are shredding their taut hearts and
starting to fart art. although nothing needs to be or can be
done at this most convincing moment of tepid intrepid certitude,
a dizzying reflection at best is re-veiled, all close up and
googly looking, nearly wiggly. plenty of time as cascading worlds
rain blustery mustard- coloured custard, the very sight of that
most prominent probiscus (that nose too well) opens and shinnies
like acrobatic skunks and zebras up any ol tree in threes. i
hear a trilly-voice centipede artichoke choking out a joke about
the tremulous voice of hebben or sebendeelebben.
All of this a mere bagatelle batter up in a game of waffle ball
in a stereo brain. tangentially simultaneous, a breeze blows
through a fore- shadowing of helpful touch spots in those hard-to-get-at
places and so i open the leaves of the book with the rake of
my fingers and pile high the autumn of my words like books that
read themselves. however many goed unotice, youisma senigisma
daruma menehune hoho powglorba.
Here in the arcing aching heat of a sun totally different than
in the
southland i scramble to find my egg dreams both poached and over
easy. poached because they feel like someone else's and over
easy because i am awake again, in the arms of heaven again here
to awaken fully in an earth day blossom of blue blue sky and
soft ocean air. summer has barely taken hold and the evening
damp and chill brought the first hint of wintermint (at least
autumn) to the nostrils of univers-all he-art.
Bounces have been far and wide wild in ride and occurance. the
souls i have known for years ( and too those i have only just
and not yet met) are amazing in the pirouettes of the upheavals
in these lives, so many getting brave new messages and listening
to pulse and wave of this planet of waters. truly i see myself
mirrored in everyone. of my accumulated tools and old ways, nothing
seems workable or relevant. like the first blush of ray of new
daze opening bold and taking hold. i am as a child with trembling
fingers unwrapping bulgy gifts of present tense. all i can seem
to be able to do is follow the air currents and magnetic fields,
tripping into anti-gravity like it is an old tone poem i know
and bestow and hurl and twirl. yes, but weakness. yes anyway.
i can listen and hear and dream envisioning parrallelogisms and
spontenacity in languages undreamed of yet and barely ever spoke.
like a tangible in a china shop, symptomatic pulse thots wave
far beyond myopic utopia. veils remove themselves and the terrible
beauty of that revealed core is so much this and more all laughyready
and pulse worthy truly speaking NONETHELESS IS ALL THE MORE
There is unraveling in travelling and the weave is enough to
get you pulled over by the slapstick po-leece. at least this
time i'm in a position of adventageous outrageousness wherein
all i know is revealed in the moment as it comes more and more
like huang po's "sages who have abandoned learning and come
to rest in spontenaeity". each becomes and procures it's
own medicine and dis-ease and healing crisis process as nearly
as eternity is all at once and then there's basho peripetetic
poet leaving hitch haikus on his travels where'ere he be like
the poem he and his companion wrote on their hats in pure glee:
"nowhere in this universe have we a fixed abode" ahem
and a stitch and 11:11 to you.
Besides it's not like it's the end of an era. it's the ear of
ananda.
bulletins as they occur. big bag bagels to you where'ere, from
me nearly simultaneous in the juncture of heart and mind. no
matter, never mind.
your corn forest spondent,
Elmo Questopopo
A MISTER SANCHEZE FROM THE FROZEN TUNDRA/VERDANT CORNFIELDS OF
ILLINOIS WRITES...
All righty
then, Krozabeeep!
Much to my disappointment and dismay, I find I must take time
to comment on the totally insane and inept way you seem to be
inspired to waste your time and my time by spuuueewing obsurdities
and brain blanks (aka: farts) over the public www.comways without
even the slightest consideration to what a inisent, delicate,
lack of worldly experienced child such as myself might draw a
prrreeeverst impression of and furthermore I find myself pondering
in wonderment if you, K'Beep may find some odder way to privitely
go nowhere, faster and still not get lost.
Keep in mind, I've been here since I left so why can't you?
By the way, Missed you in El Paso. See you next time.
Sincerely
in Bill Clinton,
Jose Juan Lopez Sancheze
All righty
yerself then... So, what's the difference between me spewing
my dogsplatter all over the net and a can o' beans? Huh? Well,
Sonny, I'll tellya- in the words of Grace Slick, "It doesn't
mean shit to a tree..." Besides, when the going gets tough,
the tough go surfing. The rest of us just sorta drift with the
current (until the cows come home) at which point, the point
is moot anyway.
Stay outta traffic...
xoxo,
Pluto
AND FROM A MIZ PEEP...
Dear
Admiral,
So; my mother gave gave all her kids
a Braun electric toothbrush for X-mas. UGH! I don't WANT anymore
FREAKIN' GADGETS in my LIFE.
Oh, I love my mother and I know she cares. She's jus busy bein
retired and feelin' her old-age oats. What I'd like her to understand
is that gadgets complicate your life unnessesarily—they
take up space—you have to clean them—they require electricity—
essentially they are a BIG ENERGY SUCK.
I was buried under wedding-gift-gadgets for years until I finally
CHEWED OFF MY LEG and freed myself. Why have a humidifier
when a pot of boiling water works?
You can use that same pot to cook with, to clean with, to bang
a spoon on, to put on your head like a hat when you're drunk
. . .
[PLEASE
MOM, don't buy me anymore electric toothbrushes, Cuisinarts,
blenders, toasters, juice-makers, coffee grinders, dust busters,
water pics, coffee warmers, electric teapots, popcorn poppers,
sweater fuzz removers, razors, hair driers, curlers, back massagers,
pasta makers, humidifiers, dehumidifiers, cappucino makers, cheese
graters, nut grinders, nail polishers, shoe polishers, crockpots,
bread-makers, waffle irons, electric woks, fondue pots or foot
soakers.
It's not that I'm ungrateful—you see I already have this
excellent pot . . .]
Thanks, for
listening Admiral. Hope you had a blissful, gadget-free Christmas.
Sincerely,
C-Bo-Peep
Dear Ms Peep
(Hey; rhymes with "beeep" as in Krozabeeep):
Ya think the toofbrush's bad, the Admiral got one o' dem freakin'
"As seen on Teevee..." SINGING-ASS BIRD CLOCKS fer
Xmas!!!! Reallynoshitreally. Now, I COULD callya up and make
ya listen to the dadblamed infernal device witter-tweet-toot-squwawk-bleat-warble-
gobblegobble-quack-honk on the hour but, I like you so's,
I'll letcha use yer imagination instead.
Oh, well, at least it does have interesting "Assembloid"
potential; maybe Bruce'll take a crack at it... What the Hell,
maybe it'll get his lazy ass back into the studio...
Inspiration (and, for that matter, irrigation as well...) sometimes
arrives in peculiar packages , n'est ce pas?
Smooches and pooches,
PeeKay
Ummm, well,
we hear once again from the prolific Mr. Pontificatti. whaddaya
think, folkses? Should we give the lad his very own page? Stay
tuned....I just might do that!
"Lissen here peeples, We has alreddy dizcussed our state
of beingness, and we has alreddy dizcussed the sameness that
we all has da privlidge of sharin'. I would like to speak to
y'all now of what de hell we s'posed ta do. What is our individulatin
reesponsabilities? Should our life be a big game of jacks or
pick-up sticks? Is we s'posed to collect as much as we can as
quick as we can, within de rules of de game as we know it, and
do our level best to leave our fellow players empty and waitin'
for de next game.
I don't think there's anythin wrong with havin' abbondanza but
sharin' is carin' or vicey-versey. We all has de same amount
of time in a day, wat we goin' to do wit our allotment? Dey is
no rules in sharin'. It is done in a multitudinous variety of
applicationes. Pick a spot, any spot, and contribute to it. Don'
be shy, we all need and they is many peoples out dere that has
less than usn's.
Small moves peeples, small moves.
Mucho affectionare,
Paolo Pontificatti
In response
to the Krozabeeep
1999 New Year's Editorial, we received the following two responses:
Hey there, Pluto,
Now look here poochie. The only sage/guruishina whom I subscribe
to is the one and only Mr. Natural. Ole Natch gave me the best
advice about understandin fellow men and women...1) don't take
no advice and 2) (after being queried by the persistent Flakey
Foont for the meaning of life and other various experiences)
don't mean sheeeeit!
Really...I mean if someone buys one of yer thangs...what assemboids?..
or a gaddamn "abroller piece o' shit"...What's it all
mean? Don't mean sheeeeeit!
It's important to watch TeeVee so that we know we got problems
we never knew we had. How are all the lonely dumbass folks in
the small/big cities gonna know they got anything in common if
they don't watch TeeVee to see that we all got hemmorhoid problems
and that we all hate politicians who hate anyone from a different
political party. And Admiral if you thank that TeeVee is bad...holy
beejeezus turn on your radio. The right wing fascist sonsabitches
(they go by the name of Jacor outta Cincy) have almost bought
all the stations and so you can only hear other right wing fascist
lunatics ranting and raving all day long. You can't even change
the channel. They own almost half. Christ you know it ain't easy!
And holy shit. I wish I could find some college students who
seek either truth or knowledge... for knowledge's sake. Shit
just give em a damn lottery ticket. It's all the same thing.
Come to think of it... Most of em would be better off taking
the 60-80 K they spend on an education and buy some gaddamn lottery
tickets. There is more value
to them in watching Drew Carey than reading about anything. Everybody
thinks the only way to learn anything is by doing it...It's like
Eisenhower is president again. Knowledge is passe' unless I can
do it for myself or see it on TeeVee.
On the other hand. Life is good from my side of the river and
if 99 is half as good, I'm a happy horseboy...It don't mean sheeeeit!
Regards,
The Doctor
(I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!)
Admiral Sir:
I must confess
to agreeing that 1999 must be better than 1998 for I noticed
that much of what was expected to happen in keeping with the
great expectations of 1997, didn't. Not enough seems to be happening
to improve our cultural lot and I chalk it up to irresponsibility
for believing we deserve better and thereby settling for the
bird in hand that doesn't make us feel the way a real bird feels.
Tweety is cute but is cuteness enough??? Is a sound bite going
to fill your belly? Is a mass-produced reproduction of an image
as compelling as the original?
Doesn't anybody remember MCLUHAN? The medium IS the message and
we need to consider the media we ingest, one byte, one bit, one
morsel at a time. But who has time, you say? How can one keep
up with the fast pace of our world today? The world is still
revolving at pretty much the same rate as ever despite out greater
awareness of cosmic gyrations.
Relativity is all about awareness, isn't it? And yet I am appalled
at how few are aware of so little. And what most people do know
seems useless or trivial in a spiritual/moral context. Malcolm
Muggeridge makes a good point that the pursuit of knowledge for
the sake of knowing is not a good thing. Knowledge acquired in
the pursuit of truth is a great thing.
Admiral, how many truth-seekers do you know? And how do they
go about that business?
Marcia Perry
- Artist
Now this one is clearly
a well-reasoned response to
something or other...
K-Beeeeep-Doggie:
As I occazunally ponderasticate de core essence of all dey is,
I find mysef leaning towards a few proba-abilities. If'n we ain't
had no say in how we gots heah then how is it, Goldurnit Pepino,
dat weeiz?
Anna if'n weeiz, whayrze we goin' to? Anna if'n we's goin' somewehs
den dat's a start. We is definitlee in possesion of life if we
is, but it seems as if someone forgot to send us some itinararry
on when our gig might be up.
So, if'n we don't nose when dat train a comin' what be there
lef to life? Dey is as many ansirs to dis quesjun as dey is poops
in a cheekens caranza. I canz only sprechen sie Deutsch as I
sees it and lives it.
I tella you Joe, dat i lova dis life. It gets my groove on to
experienz da jouneey. All dat we see is co-neckted to de all.
Nuttin' libs in an of issef. Jus like de trees an plants, we
is connected to the life source and our purpois is to provides
and contribute to de whole.
Now whats we provides is annudder story altogether now. I be
hollerin' atcha agin bro'.
Paolo Pontificatti -President of the Plamingo Stringfellow Society.
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EDITOR'S NOTE: The picture at left is alleged
to be of Mr. Pontificatti as a young terrorist. If you have any
knowledge concerning the present whereabouts of this person,
for dog's sake, please just keep it to yourself....
Your cooperation is appreciated. |
And
yet another linguistics-battered gem from the illustrious
Mr. Pontificatti...
Sustenaninaza
an de ever lovin' puhsuit of vittles is what drive us,de humaniacs.
Peeples will clutch,scrape and claw to has more den the nex folk.
We has a law in dis here country that says it is sochilly bombastical
to take somefin you need from sommun else if'n you have no means
to provide it yousef.
How's about addin a claws that states that you be bogus if you
don't share what you have wit annudder. Lawd, Here come de Judge,
and all we bastids is gowin to be runnin' from the po po's becuz
of our extrapulus desensitivashun in sharin' what we ben given.
Tell me why peeples, dat we who has ben given evry thing we need
to sustain our lifebreff won't gimum a break, gimum a break,
gimum a
break o dat kitcat bah. Who made us judge oer who has what an
who does'nt?
None o this stuff dat keep our mojo's workin' belong to us in
de foist
place. Stratifications is just a fancy woid for diviseions an
if'n we is all
of the same form and composition, den dey is no dividin's. We
all is, we all are, an we all need.
Amen an pass de plate so dat we can provide more o dese verbose
diatribunals .
Peace Bro'.
Paolo Pontificatti
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